Fear of success, Addiction to failure
Wilderness of desire
So if indeed art is not a purpose in its own, what then stands behind the desire to show it to others? Had John Doe been the only man on the face of the earth, would he have bothered as much upon his paintings and drawings? Perhaps art is the most esteemed way to become rich and famous, for it indicates of all those regarded qualities owned by great businessmen, as well as implying of deep spiritual awareness and high sensitivity.
If so indeed, then art is merely another way to make a living, just as in its early days, when the artist was just another craftsman, the same as a blacksmith or a tanner. And perhaps that aura, which serves as a crown to the golden head of art, is merely my acute sense of insecurity. Be it only to the sound of the word ‘art’ and a shivering of pride electrifies my spine, or a jolt of fear rocks my abdomen, depending on the context in which the word was said.
Paganism of consensus
I know that the reason for which it is so important to me to define the term ‘art’ and the characteristics of an artist, is so that I will finally be able to know, with objective and eternal certainty, whether I am an artist and whether my mental contents which are translated into different forms of expression indeed constitute art. However, two things are clear to me: one is that even if all the art critiques and genius-patrons of the world will point at me in awe and mumble mundane prayers that will elevate my name to the eternal canon of art, it will not help me in the least bit to consolidate my inner me and my sense of self value as an artist, and especially not as a human being. The other thing that is clear to me is that even if I indeed attain such a complete and whole subjective recognition in my value as an artist, to the extent that it will cross the boundaries of my own private awareness and actually form an identical collective and objective recognition around me, hence a consensus, it will not help me in the least bit to be truly happy.
Art’s or even purposeful art’s first and foremost purpose is not to convey a message, but actually to gain recognition, for otherwise it will not be possible for the message to be conveyed. It’s just as a mechanic would have loved to be appreciated and recognized as an excellent mechanic rather than a lousy one. And as long as I am already being recognized as good at whatever it is that I am doing, than why not make money of it and plenty as well?
And why all of this? Why excel? Why entail? Why marry? Why carry? Really, why? Happiness; Art is not happiness. Nothing will make me happy but happiness itself. Neat words, but the truth is that I’m afraid of becoming all those whom I criticize, or in other words, of turning into a pretentious slave of consensus and success.